Power to the presence

Our world is composed of tiny, isolated islands. Each household, each family is on its own when it comes to raising kids. We don't grow up and move down the street from our parents, cousins, best friends. We grow up, move away, and settle in a sea of unfamiliarity hundreds and thousands of miles away from home.

We are not a village. We are not close-knit communities. We are islands living our lives without networks of family to lean on. We are raising our kids without a supportive community. Yes, I have friends. But even then, we barely feel comfortable asking for help.

This is a follow up to my previous post about missing family and the void that just can't seem to get filled. Toddler in Chief's grandparents are not physically present in his life, but they are a constant presence in his life. Phone messages. Email. Hallmark cards. Even though there are miles separating us, there are constant reminders of them. When we are together, they want to be with him, to play on the floor, read books, take him for walks in the stroller, take days off from work to spend with him, ask to keep him overnight.

This is not true for many people, regardless of how much distance is between them and their relatives. Bethany wrote: "We don't live near our respective families either... but when we go to visit, no on even *thinks* to ask to take the little tyke. In fact, if he gets fussy, Mom is immediately called for assistance. Very frustration and disheartening. Aren't grandparents supposed to rush in to spend time with their grandchildren? Must be something in the water, we have to beg our parents to participate."

How are parents supposed to do it on their own? How can grandparents give up the chance to have a special bond with their grandchildren? Don't they remember what it's like to need someone to lean on? If our families feel uncomfortable fulfilling their natural supportive role, how can we feel comfortable when others to want to help out? Shame on you, deadbeat grandparents. If our families--who nurtured us as children--make it unnatural to help raise our children, how can we expect others to want to nurture our children.

Even when we have friends filling in for distant, supportive family, we still don't feel comfortable helping each other out. For example, Attorney Friend is heading out of town for a friend's birthday next weekend. Instead of asking if we could watch her daughter over night, she hired a babysitter. Childcare Development Friend and I have helped each other out a bit when we've been in a pinch and she still says that she "owes me some hours." I'm not keeping score. We're friends and yet helping each other is uncomfortable and we end up feeling indebted.

If only we could anchor our islands together.